Wilkommen, ladies and germs, it's your ol' pal Matt Rasch here. I just flew in from the coast and boy, are my arms tired. Okay, okay, so you've heard that one before...

 

Well, they said it couldn't be done, but my latest epic silent film, "Don't Shoot The Piano Player" premiered a few months ago at the prestigious Cannes Film Festival. It was there that I ran into famous Spanish actress Penélope Cruz, who seemed a little lost. I gladly helped her out, and she was nice enough to buy three copies of our latest Christmas album. The official photographer of the festival, Paparazzo, snapped this picture of us, then quickly sold it to the National Enquirer... No, that's a lie. He tried to sell it to the National Enquirer, but they turned it down. But it was sold to Weekly World News, although they refused to publish it as they stated it was a fake. The nerve of those ingrates!

 

Okay, that's a lie too. I actually ran into Señorita Cruz at Madame Toussaud's in London. So sue me.